Survey Results: Parents of Married Young Adults Insights

Summary of survey results from May 2018 regarding the relationship dynamics between parents and married young adult children. Findings include the number and ages of young adults, parental satisfaction levels, aspects of relationships, top challenges, and common regrets. The survey sheds light on parental experiences, emotions, and concerns as their children navigate marriage and adulthood.

• Parenting
• Survey Results
• Married Young Adults
• Relationships
• Insights

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Presentation Transcript

1. Parents of Married Young Adults- Survey Results May, 2018 Survey

2. Survey A survey was sent to thirty-five parents of married young adults asking about the relationship with their married young adult children. The parents surveyed were friends, some clients, colleagues and parents I see in a men s group at Incarnation Lutheran Church. The purpose was to generate some input for the sixth practice book on parents letting go related to parenting married young adults. Twenty-five participants responded- 70% Much appreciation for taking the time to complete this survey This is a summary of the results

3. The Number and Ages of the Young Adults Number of young adults varied from 1-5 with the modal number being 2. Ages of the young adult children: 62.50% were in the age group of thirty-one to forty 20.83% were in the age group- of forty to fifty Note: this is a mix of Gen X and Gen Y Only 8.33% were in the age group of twenty to thirty Note: this last finding is consistent with millennials getting married later. Currently, males are marrying at age 29 and females at age 27.

4. Satisfaction with Parenting role with the young adult Very satisfied- Satisfied- Neither Satisfied nor Dissatisfied Dissatisfied Very dissatisfied Note: This finding of 60% satisfaction is consistent with other studies of parents of young adults. That s encouraging but still 40% are not clearly satisfied. 28% 32% 24% 12% 4%

5. Most Satisfying Aspect of Relationship Relationship, friendship, being with them, respect, companionship Communication- frequent, good, mutual respect Watching them grow and parent grandchildren

6. Number 1 Challenge in Relationship with Married Adult Children How to give advice without offending Physical distance Adult children are extremely busy Letting go and let them make own decisions and mistakes Challenges with in-laws

7. Regrets Related to Married Adult Children Should have stepped up more, recognized problems and dealt with these, taught my children more basic homemaking skills, gave them more responsibility Worked too many hours, not spending enough one to one time Regrets they had to experience a divorce

8. Most Helpful in Relating to Married Young Adults Listening and keeping my opinions to myself Being supportive, accepting, encouraging, available, positive, affirming, avoiding negative discussions, help with projects and when needed, with grandchildren Honesty, stating opinion when asked, staying calm, talking about situation, setting boundaries Telling them how much they mean to me, living them unconditionally, forgiveness

9. Best Advice for Parents of Married Adults Listen, give opinion only when asked, give them space, when in doubt, be silent Respect, support and let them make their own decisions, remember they are adults and you can t control them, honor their parenting style, give them independence, let them set boundaries (don t show up unannounced. we had a chance to raise our kids, let them raise theirs, detach and let go Love and support, accept and develop a positive relationship with their spouse, recognize it s a privilege to have a say in their lives, stay connected

10. Actions Parents can Take to Improve the Relationship with the Married Young Adult Nonjudgmental listening, respect , don t advise unless asked, initiate conversations, avoid criticism Be transparent and vulnerable, respectful, accept them, trust, honesty, receptive, open, supportive, willing to hear criticism from their childhood Accept their independence, accept them (differences), don t meddle, recognize their accomplishments, let go of expectations, give them freedom to fail or succeed Accept, love and be supportive of their young adult s spouse. Note: Last point is a big one. Make a special effort to reach out and find common interests and ground for a relationship. Find and act on ways to be positive toward their young adult s spouse.

11. Grandparenting Are you a grandparent- 96% said yes What are the biggest challenges you face as a grandparent? When and how to discuss parenting, being careful in these discussions, supporting married couple's parenting, not giving advice, letting parents parent, deferring to parents, following parents rules when with grandkids, discipling grandchildren, not interfering when I don t agree with parenting, let adult children set tone for parenting, let parents be parents (been their done that) Distance, time with married couple and grandchildren, finding consistent time, having enough energy to keep up with grandchildren, busy schedules Note: This generation is focused more on attachment, safety and organic, nutritional foods where we focused on- let them cry it out, go out and play and quick and easy meals. Maybe there approach is an upgrade.

12. Whats Most Satisfying About the Empty Nest Time, peace and quiet, lack of responsibility, independence and freedom from kids, flexibility, freedom to make choices Time and space for self- hobbies, interests, freedom Time for spouse- sitting next to spouse (uninterrupted), focusing on each other, reconnecting with spouse, enjoying and having fun with spouse, doing things with spouse

13. Most Challenging about the Empty Nest Concern with the kids, not letting go, wanting more time with them, not talking about the kids all the time, reliving mistakes we made as parents Adjusting to absence of kids- use of time, dealing with absence of kids, time management, balancing time together and time apart, finding new ways to enjoy life, reconnecting and communication skills, being supportive without getting in the way, giving each other space, redefining our marriage Note: Quote by one respondent: In general, we prepare for marriage, prepare for children but don t prepare at all for the empty nest. That leaves us flailing and reactionary and that is a bad combination that results in hello, who are you and what do we do now?"

14. Best Advice for Parents Entering the Empty Nest Stage of Parenting Enjoy and embrace what you can. Relax, enjoy the possibilities. Make a list of dreams. Set aside time to talk about goals and dreams and plans. Be open to innovation, creativity, play, detachment, imperfection, suffering, love awe and wonder. Establish a dating culture, remember what brought you together, do things your spouse likes, strengthen your relationship, discover new interests, do things together that you were not able to do with kids. Stay connected to your kids and grandkids.

15. Additional Advice from the Respondents There is a lot of letting go Develop couple friends Have a balance with spouse and interests outside the house It s easier to adjust to the empty nest if you have your own interests, friends and activities. Plan ahead. Although parents forever, our roles change. Look for joy and gratitude in this phase of life

16. Final Thoughts Thanks so much for taking the time to complete this survey. What a rich source of experience and advice I was able to gather. I just sent my last practice book off to the publisher. The title may change but for now it is: Growing Apart: Letting Go of Our Young Adults. How both parents and young adults need to find new sources of personal growth, meaning and fulfillment. It will likely be available in the next 2-3 months on Amazon or at parentslettinggo.com Each stage of parenting has it s unique challenges and rewards. Two final quotes, one from a survey respondent and one from Elizabeth Lesser who I quote in my book. Both speak to out calling as parents.

17. Parenting is Forever Adult children are some of the most difficult and frustrating to deal with because they are adults! Survey respondent Parenthood is a never-ending journey down a wide river of worry and love. You get in the boat with your kids and you never get out. They get out-they build their own boats and row into their destinies- but you stay in the original boat, always a parent, forever caring Elizabeth Lesser Broken Open (2015) Thank you.