Navigating Boundaries in Relationships
Importance of setting boundaries, identifying boundary violators, and effectively communicating your needs for a healthier and safer relationships. Learn to recognize signs of boundary violations and set consequences when necessary.
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Presentation Transcript
Navigating People Who Violate Boundaries The Autism Society of Minnesota 1
Table of Contents What are Boundaries How to Boundaries How People Violate Boundaries Questions to Ask Myself Setting Consequences for Boundary Violations I Can Do Hard Things Resources 3 4 5 6-7 8-9 10 11 2
Boundaries What are boundaries? Boundaries are lines, physical and/or emotional, that others cannot cross without my permission. Boundaries let me communicate to other people what I am comfortable with them doing or not doing to and/or around me. It is important for people to respect my boundaries. Boundaries help me stay healthy and safe. Not everyone will respect the boundaries that I set. I cannot make people respect my boundaries. I can think and set up a plan for when people violate my boundaries. 3
How to Set Boundaries Define the Boundary I can identify my desired boundary. I can be clear with myself and know my boundaries very well. Communicate the Boundary I can say what I need from that person(s)/relationship(s). I will be blunt and clear when I communicate my boundaries. Simplify the Boundary I don t have to overexplain my boundary. I can be clear, concise and firm. Set Consequences for Violating the Boundary I can say why this boundary is important. I can state what will happen if it is not respected. I cannot expect others to change their behavior. I have the choice to leave in some way to take care of yourself Examples: I don t like being yelled at on the phone. If you continue yelling or raising your voice at me, I will hang up on you. I like spending quality time with you. That venue is too loud, and I won t be able to hear what you are saying. Can we switch to a different location or reschedule for a different day? 4
Boundary Violators These may be signs that someone violates my boundaries. I feel like I am unable to speak or be heard. Feeling anxious around that person Feeling like I am unable to ask for help Feeling bad, sick or embarrassed after I spend time with that person. I can brainstorm other emotions or physical sensations that tell me my boundaries have been violated. I may not notice right away, and that is ok. Sometimes it takes time to process a boundary violation. People who violate my boundaries may: Have trouble listening Be unwilling to compromise Expect to get their own way Control or try to dictate your behavior Tell you how you should feel Act defensive Be non apologetic 5
Questions to Consider about a Boundary Violator These questions may help me decide what to do when someone violates a boundary. Who is this person to me? What does this relationship mean to me? There are a lot of types of relationships family, friend, peer, colleague, etc. A reaction to a boundary violator who is a parent is going to have a different response to a boundary violator who is a colleague. Is the boundary violator willing to change? Think about if this person is willing to change their behavior. Do they need clearer boundaries? Are they aware of the consequences of their actions? How long has this person been violating your boundary? Is this person consistently and persistently violating your boundaries? How long has this been happening? Are your boundaries clear? Am I stating my boundaries firmly? For example: I think I don t like when vs. I don t like it when 6
I am a Priority My energy, time and space is important. I deserve to be respected. I can decide whether I want to set a time limit with the person who keeps violating my boundaries. I can say, I can talk for ____ minutes. Or stay for ___ minutes/hours. I can also take a short break with that person. I can decide how much space I am willing to share. I get to decide what information about myself that this person gets to know. I can decide if I only want to share surface level information. I can decide how much energy I am willing to invest in this relationship. Is this a relationship I want to continue? I can choose to be kind to this person but no longer have a relationship with them. I can choose to limit the amount of energy that I spend thinking, talking, or having quality time together. It is my responsibility to set boundaries, being clear, listing consequences, and following through. 7
Boundary Violator Consequences Consequences are not punishments. They are the actions you take so that another person is no longer in a position to violate your boundaries. I get to decide what my consequences are for someone not following my boundaries. I cannot control a person s response to my boundaries or make them follow the boundaries I set. I get to decide whether I want to disengage, limit contact, or completely cut off contact with the person whose violating my boundaries. Disengage Don t participate in unproductive conversations Don t get personal or provide personal information with the violator (having surface level conversations) Decline invitations to spend time with the person Don t react to disrespectful behavior Walk away Respond to the email or message later Hang up the phone politely Have limited or no contact 8
Boundary Violator Consequences Consequences are not punishments. They are the actions you take so that another person is no longer in a position to violate your boundaries. Other consequences can be either spoken or unspoken with that boundary violator. They may look like: I won t talk about this topic with you. I won t visit your home or invite you to my home. I won t spend time alone with you. I won t let you borrow my things. I won t give you money. 9
I Take Care of Myself Boundaries are difficult to set when others don t follow or listen to them. I respect myself for setting, maintaining and following through with my boundaries. I can do hard things. I can be gentle and kind to myself during this time. Boundaries are worth it when I follow through. Boundaries keep me safe. 10
Resources https://inlpcenter.org/how-to-deal-with-someone-who-doesnt-respect- personal-boundaries/ https://betterboundariesworkbook.com/repeat-boundary-violations/ https://www.counselingrecovery.com/blog-san-jose/what-are-healthy- boundaries https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XFAEeOd3H9k&t=101s 11
