Inner Growth and Acceptance Journey Through Step Four
How Low
Can You Go?
Karen D 2022
Step Four: Made a searching and fearless
moral inventory of ourselves.
Who in their right mind would want to do
something like this?
Step Four is a freedom Step. It takes a lot of
willingness to do this thoroughly.
But ‘leaning in’ is all the courage you’ll need.
The goal is to make you aware of yourself.
Like it tells us in the Blue Book on page 42:
“This inventory of ourselves was to be honest
and straightforward, not critical or abusive”.
Perhaps that’s what we were afraid of- that the
fourth step would make us feel even worse
about ourselves than we already did. That can
only be true if we allow it. This is not something
you’re going to do
to
yourself, it’s what you’re
going to do for yourself.
My first Fourth Step was a revelation. It told
me what I needed to know about myself. I had
spent my life taking other people’s inventory, so
I didn’t like the idea of turning that spotlight on
myself. A realistic perspective of my past
brought forgiveness and peace at last. After I
finished Step 9 my past was resolved. Now I
just concern myself with the past 24 hours,
continuing to do 4
th
Steps as needed.
The only time I need to do
a 4
th
Step is when I’m not
practicing acceptance.
… And acceptance is the answer to all my problems today.
When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place,
thing, or situation- some fact of my life- unacceptable to me,
and I can find no serenity until I accept that that person, place,
thing, or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be
at this moment. Unless I accept life completely on life’s terms, I
cannot be happy. I need to concentrate not so much on what
needs to be changed in the world, as on what needs to be
changed in me and my attitudes…
Mary R
(co-founder of CoDA)
reminds
me that what I think shapes the
way I feel.
For example- I got my class schedule for the coming year
and shared it with my friends, who told me “Oh no- you’ve
got Mrs. Smith for
algebra
- she’s a terrible teacher- she’s
really mean”. So before I even started the class I didn’t like
Mrs. Smith and I was afraid of her. I hadn’t made my own
judgement- I had let someone else tell me how I should
feel. I didn’t do very well in her class because I came in
with a grudge and a chip on my shoulder.
When my grade reflected my behavior I got mad at her-
thinking it confirmed what my friends had said about her,
and passing that information on to other people so they
would be warned. The truth is-
Algebra
was not my best
subject, and I was too afraid to ask her for help, fearing
what she might say or do to me.
I earned the grade I got.
11
•
What was said or done:
Mrs. Smith gave me a D in Algebra
Did it affect you emotionally,
physically, sexually, spiritually, or
intellectually:
Intellectually
What Patten did you react with
(Control, Low Self Esteem,
Compliance, Denial, or Avoidance
Avoidance- “Suppress feelings or
needs to avoid feeling vulnerable”
What was my old idea (If I do or
say this, they will do or say that,
and then I’ll be happy or safe
If I ask for help she’ll know I’m
stupid, so I’ll stay silent and safe
12
How was your pride affected:
She should know that I need
help and not just ignore me.
Why am I so invisible?
What were the consequences to
the relationship
I resented her for not caring about
me so I never approached her, I
just stayed mad at her.
What Pattern are you using to
maintain the relationship
Low Self Esteem- Perceive
themselves as unlovable, not
worthwhile
13
What would you do differently if
you had a ‘do-over’
I would ask for help, knowing that
asking for help doesn’t mean I’m
stupid.
Step 4 uncovered the truth of
what I did to sabotage myself.
I didn’t have to get a D in that
class- I did that to myself.
What did you learn
For my amend, since I couldn’t get ahold of Mrs. Smith, I took a
free online algebra course. I found out that I actually like Algebra.
I really enjoy learning it!
I found out that I’m not stupid after all. That’s just another lie I
was telling myself.
Where did I get that lie? Both of my sisters were straight
‘A’ students and I wasn’t.
I put my mother’s face on Mrs. Smiths’ face and assumed
they were seeing me the same way. I never saw my
teacher, I saw my mom. I am responsible for that.
Page 49 of the CoDA blue book tells us:
Today, we’re not victims. We can’t blame
people, places or things for our problems or
Codependent behaviors anymore.
Step four helps see, accept, and begin
loving ourselves as we are.
Start now.
What have you got to lose?
Thank you
Karen D
KarenD.CoDA@gmail.com
Dive deep into the transformative process of Step Four, where fearless moral inventory leads to self-awareness and acceptance. Discover the power of examining oneself honestly and forgiving the past to find peace in the present. Embrace the wisdom that acceptance is the key to personal happiness and growth, as shared through insightful reflections and experiences.
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Presentation Transcript
Karen D 2022 How Low Can You Go?
Step Four: Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves. Who in their right mind would want to do something like this?
Step Four is a freedom Step. It takes a lot of willingness to do this thoroughly. But leaning in is all the courage you ll need. The goal is to make you aware of yourself.
Like it tells us in the Blue Book on page 42: This inventory of ourselves was to be honest and straightforward, not critical or abusive . Perhaps that s what we were afraid of- that the fourth step would make us feel even worse about ourselves than we already did. That can only be true if we allow it. This is not something you re going to do toyourself, it s what you re going to do for yourself.
My first Fourth Step was a revelation. It told me what I needed to know about myself. I had spent my life taking other people s inventory, so I didn t like the idea of turning that spotlight on myself. A realistic perspective of my past brought forgiveness and peace at last. After I finished Step 9 my past was resolved. Now I just concern myself with the past 24 hours, continuing to do 4th Steps as needed.
The only time I need to do a 4thStep is when I m not practicing acceptance.
And acceptance is the answer to all my problems today. When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing, or situation- some fact of my life- unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I accept that that person, place, thing, or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment. Unless I accept life completely on life s terms, I cannot be happy. I need to concentrate not so much on what needs to be changed in the world, as on what needs to be changed in me and my attitudes
Mary R (co-founder of CoDA) reminds me that what I think shapes the way I feel.
For example- I got my class schedule for the coming year and shared it with my friends, who told me Oh no- you ve got Mrs. Smith for algebra- she s a terrible teacher- she s really mean . So before I even started the class I didn t like Mrs. Smith and I was afraid of her. I hadn t made my own judgement- I had let someone else tell me how I should feel. I didn t do very well in her class because I came in with a grudge and a chip on my shoulder.
When my grade reflected my behavior I got mad at her- thinking it confirmed what my friends had said about her, and passing that information on to other people so they would be warned. The truth is- Algebra was not my best subject, and I was too afraid to ask her for help, fearing what she might say or do to me. I earned the grade I got.
What was said or done: Mrs. Smith gave me a D in Algebra Did it affect you emotionally, physically, sexually, spiritually, or intellectually: Intellectually What Patten did you react with (Control, Low Self Esteem, Compliance, Denial, or Avoidance Avoidance- Suppress feelings or needs to avoid feeling vulnerable What was my old idea (If I do or say this, they will do or say that, and then I ll be happy or safe If I ask for help she ll know I m stupid, so I ll stay silent and safe 11
What Pattern are you using to maintain the relationship Low Self Esteem- Perceive themselves as unlovable, not worthwhile She should know that I need help and not just ignore me. Why am I so invisible? How was your pride affected: What were the consequences to the relationship I resented her for not caring about me so I never approached her, I just stayed mad at her. 12
What would you do differently if you had a do-over I would ask for help, knowing that asking for help doesn t mean I m stupid. What did you learn Step 4 uncovered the truth of what I did to sabotage myself. I didn t have to get a D in that class- I did that to myself. 13
For my amend, since I couldnt get ahold of Mrs. Smith, I took a free online algebra course. I found out that I actually like Algebra. I really enjoy learning it! I found out that I m not stupid after all. That s just another lie I was telling myself.
Where did I get that lie? Both of my sisters were straight A students and I wasn t. I put my mother s face on Mrs. Smiths face and assumed they were seeing me the same way. I never saw my teacher, I saw my mom. I am responsible for that.
Page 49 of the CoDA blue book tells us: Today, we re not victims. We can t blame people, places or things for our problems or Codependent behaviors anymore.
Step four helps see, accept, and begin loving ourselves as we are. Start now. What have you got to lose?
Karen D Thank you KarenD.CoDA@gmail.com
