CoDA Workshop - Finding Balance in Compliance and Control
The Co-Dependents Anonymous (CoDA) workshop explores the themes of compliance, control, and boundaries in relationships. Participants reflect on their levels of compliance and control, seeking a healthy balance. Through insightful questions and tasks, individuals delve into the origins of their patterns and expectations in personal and work relationships, aiming for self-understanding and growth.
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International Coda Convention November 21, 2020 A Season to be Grateful in Recovery Jay G. , Jayg.coda@gmail.com
Compliance, Control, and Boundaries: Finding a Balance Do I stay or do I go Check in with feelings now, followed by the Serenity Prayer. Step 1: We admitted we were powerless over others that our lives had become unmanageable. Tradition 3: The only requirement for membership in CoDA is a desire for healthy and loving relationships. The Codependent Challenge: It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and It is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Workshop Question: rate your level of compliance and control (role is important, parent, child age 1, 14, manager, subordinate, self-esteem, confidence) In close, personal relationships, rate your level of compliance and control I am compliant never very little sometimes most of the time all the time I am controlling Never very little sometimes most of the time all the time In work relationships I am compliant never very little sometimes most of the time all the time I am controlling never very little sometimes most of the time all the time
Workshop Questions: 1.What do I hope to get from my relationships? 2. How can we as codependents find a balance between being compliant and exercising control? 3. What are the origins of compliance patterns? 4. What are the origins of control patterns? 5. How can understanding of boundaries help me find a healthy balance between compliance and control? 6. Do I tend to be a compliant or controlling person? 7. Do my compulsive patterns give me a temporary sense of control (cleaning, shopping, addictions, work)?
How can we as codependents accomplish this balance? Workshop Tasks List 10 things you most expect of yourself List 10 things most expected of you by others, especially in difficult close relationships, past and present Define and understand Expectations met =satisfaction, not met = disappointment. Expectations arise from within ourselves .inner motivation and drive, Out of control vs. SELF CONTROL (ego defense mechanisms help us feel better for a short while, e.g., denial, repression, projection, minimizing, I label others with my negative traits. I acknowledge that I may own the negative traits I often perceive in others.) Expectations also arise from others .external motivation, Feeling Controlled vs. EXERCISING CONTROL
things you most expect of yourself Is Self care selfish? Are you able to achieve what you expect for yourself? When you cannot meet your own expectations, do you have negative emotions such as guilt, shame, anxiety or depression? These negative emotions can be part of our character (character defects) that promote codependent behavior and addictive patterns If I am not happy with myself, maybe I could focus on pleasing my mate, or my boss, and just forget about me. (or escape my pain with addictions)
things most expected of you by others, especially in difficult close relationships, past and present Is Self Care selfish? Am I able to meet the expectations of others, especially in difficult close relationships, past and present? When you cannot meet the expectations of others in difficult close relationships, do you have negative emotions such as guilt, shame, anxiety and depression? These negative emotions can be part of our character (character defects) that promote codependent behavior and addictive patterns If I am not happy in this relationship, maybe I could focus on pleasing my mate, or boss, and just forget about what I need. (or escape my pain with addictions)
Boundariesstop the madness Boundary establish a screen door, not a wall. Just Stop Reacting, be Mindful, and Listen .more Reflection, less Reaction. Listen to objections as long as they are stated in a respectful manner. (Dealing with disagreements) Be aware of your character reactions (defects) in compliant or controlling situations. Uncertainty= stress. How do we respond to stress (email / internet hacked). Identify Feelings. I feel ashamed, embarrassed, guilty . He makes me so mad . I hate him/ her . I am madly in love .shame, guilt, anxious, depressed. Feeling disappointment is healthy and is realistic when expectations are not met Avoid impulsive action, especially when feeling negative emotions of anger, depression, anxiety, shame, guilt, self-loathing, self-hatred, hatred of others. Codependents react impulsively to the anger, depression, anxiety, shame, guilt of others, and react with our own anger, depression, anxiety, shame and guilt. This becomes a vicious cycle of negative thinking and feeling overwhelmed. Begin by setting boundaries, and admitting your feelings to yourself or another trusted person. Allow yourself to be vulnerable and to disclose what you think and feel. Determine the need for creating a boundary or changing an existing boundary. We do this by listening to our feelings. For example, if we feel angry, used, or guilty, we probably need to set a boundary. more Reflection, less Reaction
11I Boundaries Boundaries are limits. Boundaries separate one person, place, or thing from another. (screen door rather than a wall) Boundaries are verbal or physical divisions that separate Our identities Who am I? Our responsibilities What is my responsibility Our feelings What am I feeling Our needs What do I need Separate our issues from other people s Setting Boundaries improves our sense of who we are, rather than depending on someone else. Promise 10: I no longer need to rely solely on others to provide my sense of worth.
Compliance and Blueprint for Recovery Compliance Patterns I am extremely loyal, remaining in harmful situations too long. I am committed to my safety and leave situations that feel unsafe or are inconsistent with my goals. I compromise my own values and integrity to avoid rejection or anger. I am rooted in my own values, even if others don t agree or become angry. I put aside my own interests in order to do what others want. I consider my interests and feelings when asked to participate in another s plans. Sometimes we may need to state our boundary out loud to the person we are establishing it with, even if it s with ourselves. I am hypervigilant regarding the feelings of others and take on those feelings. I can separate my feelings from the feelings of others. I allow myself to experience my feelings and others to be responsible for their feelings. Determine the need for creating a boundary or changing an existing boundary. We do this by listening to our feelings. For example, if we feel angry, used, or guilty, we probably need to set a boundary. Just Stop, Be Mindful, and Listen.
Compliance and Blueprint for Recovery I am afraid to express my own beliefs, opinions, and feelings when they differ from those of others. I respect my own opinions and feelings and express them appropriately. I accept sexual attention when I want love. My sexuality is grounded in genuine intimacy and connection. When I need to feel loved, I express my heart s desires. I do not settle for sex without love. I make decisions without regard to the consequences. I ask my Higher Power for guidance, and consider possible consequences before I make decisions. I give up my truth to gain the approval of others or to avoid change. I stand in my truth and maintain my integrity, whether others approve or not, even if it means making difficult changes in my life. Despite objections, restate our boundary and stick to it. If we decide to reconsider our boundary in the face of conflict, it s helpful to do so on our own time, away from any outside influence. More Reflection, less Reaction.
If I am not compliant, what happens? If I do not comply with my own values or expectations, does this create confusion and a moral dilemma (cognitive dissonance)? E.g. I know this is not right, but I am doing it anyway maybe to keep him/her happy and off my back. When I do not comply, and when I am not compliant with others, can this be seen as controlling?...passive aggressive, delay and avoidance patterns, side-stepping responsibility
Control Patterns MYOB MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS, or Learning to Care in Healthy ways What Is my business and what is not? What is my problem and what is not? Do I control people out of my own fear and frustration who actually has the problem then? Do I spread my fear and frustration? Attitudes are contagious. Controlling behavior can result in opposition and defiance. Covid Mandates for the MASK and social distancing. Defy the order??? Am I a fixer, unhealthy helper, and solution finder for OTHER s problems? Sometimes controlling involves looking for a victim to rescue. We attempted to use others our mates, our friends, and even our children, as our sole source of identity, value and well being---as a way of trying to restore within us the emotional losses from our childhood. (from the Welcome)
Social support, friendship or codependency? Am I my brother s/ sister s keeper? What about helping others, and social support? What is the impact of social distancing? Lean on me (song lyrics). Gratitude https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=athd5_CW_z0 Is our/ my leaning healthy? Healthy social support and friendship, or compliance/ controlling pattern? Can a sponsor be controlling and sponsee compliant in codependent ways? Narcissistic Personality overly dominating and controlling Dependent Personality overly compliant, overly needy, lacking self-reliance and resilience. Sometimes controlling involves looking for a victim to rescue or someone to use. Avoid 13th stepping in CoDA or other recovery meetings.
Control Patterns Identify the Boundary in the Blueprint I believe people are incapable of taking care of themselves. I realize that, with rare exceptions, other adults are capable of managing their own lives. I attempt to convince others what to think, do, or feel. I accept the thoughts, choices, and feelings of others, even though I may not be comfortable with them. I freely offer advice and direction to others without being asked. I give advice only when asked. I become resentful when others decline my help or reject my advice. I am content to see others take care of themselves. Boundaries help separate our identity, our responsibility, our feelings, our needs from the identity, responsibility, feelings, and needs of others.
Control continued I lavish gifts and favors on those I want to influence. I carefully and honestly contemplate my motivations when preparing to give a gift. I use sexual attention to gain approval and acceptance. I embrace and celebrate my sexuality as evidence of my health and wholeness. I do not use it to gain the approval of others. Determine the need for creating a boundary or changing an existing boundary. We do this by listening to our feelings. For example, if we feel angry, used, or guilty, we probably need to set a boundary.
Controlcontinued I have to feel needed in order to have a relationship with others. I develop relationships with others based on equality, intimacy, and balance. I demand that my needs be met by others. I find and use resources that meet my needs without making demands on others. I ask for help when I need it, without expectation. I use charm and charisma to convince others of my capacity to be caring and compassionate. I behave authentically with others, allowing my caring and compassionate qualities to emerge. Promise 10: I no longer need to rely solely on others to provide my sense of worth.
Controlcontinued I use blame and shame to exploit others emotionally. I ask directly for what I want and need and trust the outcome to my Higher Power. I do not try to manipulate outcomes with blame or shame. I refuse to cooperate, compromise, or negotiate. I cooperate, compromise, and negotiate with others in a way that honors my integrity. I adopt an attitude of indifference, helplessness, authority, or rage to manipulate outcomes. I treat others with respect and consideration, and trust my Higher Power to meet my needs and desires. Promise 7: I am capable of developing and maintaining healthy and loving relationships. The need to control and manipulate others will disappear as I learn to trust those who are trustworthy.
Controlcontinued I use language of recovery in an attempt to control the behavior of others. I use my recovery for my own growth and not to manipulate or control others. I pretend to agree with others to get what I want. My communication with others is authentic and truthful. Listen to objections as long as they are stated in a respectful manner.
Conclusions The most important point to remember in establishing boundaries is that we need to listen to and fully consider our own feelings first not other people s. SELF CARE IS NOT SELFISH! Find your inner voice. I statements I think, I feel, I react in certain ways. You and We statements??? group consensus? Before recovery, we may have allowed others to control and possibly even dominate us, or we may have tried to do the same to them. Healthy detachment is not disconnecting from others you care about, it is disconnecting from the agony of over-involvement. (enmeshment, like a wire mesh too many connections) Promise 7: I am capable of developing and maintaining healthy and loving relationships. The need to control and manipulate others will disappear as I learn to trust those who are trustworthy.
Conclusions Take a personal inventory - Step 4 and Step 10 Step 11 connect with HP- Try to Solve with the person directly (possible mediator) Be aware of Boundaries by using Coping Skills- 3 W s. What is the problem, Who has the problem, What is my responsibility Listen, Be open, Be clear, concise and honest- Just STOP, LOOK, AND LISTEN Take responsibility for your actions and words, and make amends wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others. PREPARE FOR A DIFFICULT ENCOUNTER by reflecting and meditating. Supplication allows your body and mind to let go, and let your Higher Power work. Release it You don t need the stress! Find a friend, accountability partner, therapist or sponsor. Don t quit, keep coming back. Find points of Gratitude. Check in with feelings, following by Serenity Prayer.
CoDA publications Am I Co-Dependent (Patterns)- Pamphlet Recovery Patterns of Co-Dependents Anonymous- Meeting Handbook Establishing Boundaries in Recovery- Pamphlet Dealing with Disagreements- Pamphlet
